June 2,
2013 By 21wire 27 Comments
21st Century Wire says… When this story was
originally published there was speculation as to who the real author was, with
most people saying that it was he of Monty Python fame. Based on the skilled
prose, we’d have to agree with the mob on this one. A masterpiece nonetheless...
By John
Cleese
The
English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have
therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
Soon, though, security levels may
be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been
“A Bit Cross” since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The
last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588,
when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots
have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.”
They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the
front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The
French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level
from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate”
and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed
France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military
capability.
Italy has
increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate
Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations”
and “Change Sides.”
The
Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress
in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade
a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they
are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The
Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These
beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a
really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia,
meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be
right.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to
cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no
situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
A final
thought – ” Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome
is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.