“…At the absolute basic level of physical power, at
some stage in his early to mid-teens, a boy will outgrow and outmuscle his
mother. He probably will outstrip his dad too, but not for a few more years, by
which time, all being well, the boy is mature enough not to throw his weight
around. At 13, 14, 15 he isn't mature enough.
For those years, it is the father's job to teach the boy the rules and responsibilities that come with physical dominance. The first of these is that you do not exert that dominance unless you absolutely have to, the only exception allowed being the dominance a father must -- not often, but sometimes -- exert over his son.
There was a report by the charity Parentline Plus last autumn after its helpline received more than 22,000 calls from parents concerned about their children's aggression. Seven thousand calls detailed actual physical abuse. The problem peaked between the ages of 13 and 15.
Although the report did not specify, I think that it is safe to say that most of the aggressors were boys. Those families -- and there are many -- dominated by surly, abusive, sometimes aggressive teenage boys are families in which the father has failed to assert himself.
And by asserting himself I absolutely don't mean a whack. The best, most authoritative fathers that I know have never laid a finger on their sons. Besides being reprehensible, hitting your child represents authority abandoned rather than authority demonstrated.
But I do mean standing tall, being physically assertive, staring the lad down if necessary, a touch of old man rather than new man. You are his old man after all. It's not an equal relationship. You're not mates. Later, if you've done your job, when your son is 17, 18, a nice young man, a credit to you and so forth, then you can be mates. But not when he's 13.
I'm not saying that my son is a monster. Far from it. Ninety nine per cent of the time, he's a sweet boy. But then, they're all sweet boys at 13. If you want them still to be sweet at 17, you have to show them who's boss.
A lot of dads throw up their hands when their son is about 13, saying that their offspring's behaviour from then on is all down to the school and peer pressure. That's completely wrong, a feeble excuse for laziness or cowardice. Many dads simply don't want to take the initial hit of lost popularity.
The truth is, during those years when the boy is trying to turn into a man, that's when your influence should be at its greatest, that's your time to shine. And an awful lot of men blow it.
And then their sons can turn into the sort of adolescents who are a complete bloody pain for everybody around them, not only parents but siblings, teachers, neighbours, everyone. ……”
For those years, it is the father's job to teach the boy the rules and responsibilities that come with physical dominance. The first of these is that you do not exert that dominance unless you absolutely have to, the only exception allowed being the dominance a father must -- not often, but sometimes -- exert over his son.
There was a report by the charity Parentline Plus last autumn after its helpline received more than 22,000 calls from parents concerned about their children's aggression. Seven thousand calls detailed actual physical abuse. The problem peaked between the ages of 13 and 15.
Although the report did not specify, I think that it is safe to say that most of the aggressors were boys. Those families -- and there are many -- dominated by surly, abusive, sometimes aggressive teenage boys are families in which the father has failed to assert himself.
And by asserting himself I absolutely don't mean a whack. The best, most authoritative fathers that I know have never laid a finger on their sons. Besides being reprehensible, hitting your child represents authority abandoned rather than authority demonstrated.
But I do mean standing tall, being physically assertive, staring the lad down if necessary, a touch of old man rather than new man. You are his old man after all. It's not an equal relationship. You're not mates. Later, if you've done your job, when your son is 17, 18, a nice young man, a credit to you and so forth, then you can be mates. But not when he's 13.
I'm not saying that my son is a monster. Far from it. Ninety nine per cent of the time, he's a sweet boy. But then, they're all sweet boys at 13. If you want them still to be sweet at 17, you have to show them who's boss.
A lot of dads throw up their hands when their son is about 13, saying that their offspring's behaviour from then on is all down to the school and peer pressure. That's completely wrong, a feeble excuse for laziness or cowardice. Many dads simply don't want to take the initial hit of lost popularity.
The truth is, during those years when the boy is trying to turn into a man, that's when your influence should be at its greatest, that's your time to shine. And an awful lot of men blow it.
And then their sons can turn into the sort of adolescents who are a complete bloody pain for everybody around them, not only parents but siblings, teachers, neighbours, everyone. ……”